I've almost come to terms with my situation and taking it to heart.
I've realized that all my adult life has been spent thinking of everyone else in my family. I had to please my husband and do things to make him happy (not too successfully, but I tried), I had to provide and take care of my kids, making sure they were fed, dressed, got to school and appointments on time, took care of their extra curricular activities, and generally was mom. My identity was dependent on them foremost.
I went from living at home to moving out with Dave and then getting married and had kids immediately.
I had no social life that didn't involve him due to having to take care of the kids. I enjoyed the social interaction but it wasn't of my own doing.
I now have a social life that is directly from my interaction and activity with my hobby. I'm finally able to think about myself and what I want to do and what I care about.
For the past twenty some years all my energy has been focused on making sure there was a roof over the kids and my head. I had bills to pay as a result of that and stress about having enough money to do that.
Well, I now have the chance to choose not to have a house or apartment.
Yes, it's what I should have, but if it's just me and Devon (who's a big boy now) and we can pretty much survive on our own. As soon as he starts school in the fall (which for college means August) he will have the opportunity to have money to pay for his own place near school. Dan and Amber are looking for a place of their own which means... I can look for whatever I want to do and where ever I want to go.
It would be more convenient to have someplace to 'go home' to, but if I have a laptop and my jeep in good working order, I can camp out during the summer, save up my money and when the weather starts cooling down I can start looking for a studio or one bedroom wherever I want to live.
For now, I'm okay with being on my own in my car. I've done it before and I was under a lot more stress because my priorities were taking care of the kids. There was a stigma for being 'homeless'. I won't consider myself homeless because home is where your heart is, and my heart is where ever I want to be.
I could afford the occasional hotel room for a few nights if I want to sleep in a real bed, but with an air mattress and a sleeping bag, that's bed enough.
Once you free yourself from trying to conform to society in certain areas, it really opens up your mind and heart for other things.
I've looked at the pros and cons and it's about a break even situation. I can crash at my kids places for a change, but the plan would be by the time I need a stationary place to live, I will be able to afford one on my own.
I still have bills to pay and will be paying them in time, but the large chunk of rent money won't be taking most of my paycheck and the bills can be paid down a lot faster. This will leave me mostly debt free next year if I plan it right.
I still need a laptop to use during my mobile stage, simply because libraries aren't open late and internet cafes' are few and far between and expensive.
I could likely get one of those netbooks for under $400 with limited access, but I'd rather have a used powerbook so I can transfer all my necessary files over and not have to hassle with conversion or carrying around my list of passwords to all the sites I use.
So, the consensus is, by mid June I would be renting a storage space somewhere which is going to cost me around $180 for all my stuff, possibly cheaper. It'll cost about $200 for camping supplies, somewhere between those two numbers to get my car in shape and taken care of, which Amber and Dan have promised they would take care of. (Right now he's up in Tahoe packing up his car with what's left of their stuff and will be back down here Monday or Tuesday I think.)
So as I said, I don't have nearly as much stress about this move as the previous year. I just hate packing is all. Hate it with a passion because I'm such a pack rat that it takes me forever to pare down to the essentials. I think I'm going to let Dan and Amber have my giant size griddle, the toaster oven and maybe even the microwave. I can get rid of a lot more things this time around that I didn't have time to take down to goodwill last time. Dan and Amber have dumped a lot of their stuff so I don't have that to store either.
Speaking of that, I think I'm going out to the garage while there's still some light.
I'm okay with that.
1 comment:
Update as of an hour ago.
When I was talking with Devon about what we have to pack and what goes from the stuff in the garage he said that he has a friend that's already offered him a room to rent for $500/month. Once he gets more hours during the summer he can make that. He starts school in August and since he wouldn't be living with me, he can get more benefits and money for school and housing.
Bad news:
Amber was feeling fatigued around dinner time and then said that it looked like there was blood in her pee. She went out to WalMart with Ava and called to say she was dropping her off and going to urgent care. She was feeling worse and the 'spotting' was increasing.
Blood in the urine is not a good thing, and this throws a wrench in everything. I'm not saying that in a selfish way, Dan is on his way back tomorrow but if she ends up hospitalized for an extended time, I told her she had to get the medical paperwork started ASAP. She missed the enrollment date for her work benefits.
She's got me worried and Ava is worried now because she overheard her talk about it to Dan.
That's popped my bubble of elation knowing Devon had someplace to go and would leave me free to go anywhere I wanted.
dangit... just when I thought things were looking better.
Post a Comment