Cloudy and overcast, cold and wish it was warmer. Didn't sleep as well as I had hoped but felt like I got some rest at least. Managed a shower and needed to sit a few minutes to rest from that. A few hiccups in the heart beat still and am monitoring it. Feeling a bit slow and low energy of course so have to really not be as active. I managed to fix lunch, chicken thighs baked in the oven so low key there, but did take Rocky down for grass time, checked the garden and then came back up. Seems like even that much activity kind of slows me down. Jon didn't sleep well either, I know he woke up coughing and sputtering at one point and likely didn't sleep heavily as he usually does.
That is not good and all the doctors have said to watch for irregular heartbeat and head to the ED if it happens. They think I have the means and money to do that and yes I agree it should be imperative but this is the medical dilemma of our times. Poor people can't afford to stay healthy and can't risk getting worse. Knowing what to look for and worsening symptoms is the best I can do.
I also managed to pick up my knitting and actually work on it for the first time in weeks, if not months. The sock yarns I was gifted are continuing to stare at me from the container next to the bed so it's my motivation to get the grey socks finished to work on a set of gloves. Still have so many other things to work on and none of it will be finished in my lifetime.
The case worker has a list of questions to ask patients to check on their mental health, safety and comfort at home. One of the ever present ones is about depression and thoughts of suicide. I told her I've been depressed in the past, long past, but knew the source of it and worked through it on my own. Depression is part of several menopause situations so it's another case of, this is something to look for. One of the things that comes to mind is an old Babylon 5 scene where Sheridan is asked, 'you say you have something to die for, but do you have something to live for?'. That is always on my mind when someone asks about suicide thoughts and that sort of thing.
I have always been on the sort of 'Pollyanna' spectrum of living, seeing the best in people or at lest hoping they are good like I am. So I've not had a mean bone in my body for most of my life, there has been too much to live for and people that still need me around for me to think of removing myself from their lives. Some people call it cowardly but in fact, it takes bravery and extreme desperation of not being able to move forward any longer in whatever situation is existing. I always try to look ahead and know that some situations are strictly my own doing and if I got here myself then I can figure out how to get myself out. Thinking ahead to plan something, not something I've been able to do consistentlybut that is my mental situation all my life. I cannot imagine, for myself at lest, deciding that I want to remove my presence from my situation. I honestly could only see it in a dire, end of life crisis situation. I have Jon, and Rocky, my kids, my close friends, I've touched so many lives I cannot ever wish to purposely cause them grief and pain because of my inability to tolerate minor or major inconveniences and situations.
Now I've gotten crankier and less tolerant of people in my old age and that goes for Rocky as well. He bites me out of frustration and if I'm not in a good mood I will let him know I do not tolerate being attacked for no good reason. Same goes with people. Jon will not hesitate to pull his knife if there is a dangerous situation, that's the 'street dog' in him but if it came down to me, I will fight to my best ability to let someone know I have a little more fight in me than is healthy. I do not like confrontation at all, never have, never will so most cases I will try to avoid it. I tend to fly off the handle and say stupid things instead of stopping and thinking through a response rather than reacting. I have stared a few people down but not in a seriously dangerous situation.
So I go about my days, when shopping tend to avoid too many people in an aisle that I would have to navigate around, find the shortest route between two points or a register line. Sit at home and do ipad coloring and games to try and keep my brain a bit active. I am getting old, not as healthy and don't have as much spunk and smarts as I used to I wish I had the smarts and spunk of some people.
As far as life is concerned I wish mine was better but have to make do with what I have to the best of my ability. Learn to ask for help when I usually could handle it on my own or let others volunteer to help. New limitations are hard to deal with.
What do you have worth living for is a much better question.
No comments:
Post a Comment