Treading water as usual, Christmas is coming.

 Forgive my 'depression' post, whining about what I don't have that would make me happier. It's not a 'pity me give me stuff' just getting this off my chest a bit.

Ever since I was on my own just before and after the divorce I have been reliant on other people helping me because for some reason I just can't seem to make it on my own. I have had a few times where I realized I was able to survive on what I was doing but it was very short lived. It isn't usually because of money mismanagement but more of survivable levels were just out of reach then something would happen and knock me back down. I have always been frugal and splurged occasionally on things here and there but then when the tax refund would come in, it was the car needing something or a bill that needed to be paid or just having money to buy food.

I looked forward to the day when I could retire and be self sufficient, do the things I had no time for when I worked seven days a week. And here I am, in the same situation as always, not having enough money to get all the things I need in quantities to save. Barely scraping by with the rent and utilities. 

Christmas comes around and I am not able to give others presents that they richly deserve as a thanks from me for helping me the past year or more. I am knitting a few things, but as far as even buying something small for the grandkids or my kids, it isn't going to happen. I was able to 'sell' some stitch markers to a friend who paid me on paypal for them and a bit extra. I got a half tank of gas and a big sandwich for Jon and I. That was it. I am so very thankful even for that little bit though because I still need to pick up the grandkids all next week and may well run too low on gas to do that.

Just some fall color to add in as a thumbnail when I post this.

So many of my family and friends say, 'you don't have to give us anything' and yet I still feel the need to do so. Because when someone says that it's also saying, 'we know you don't have anything so it's all right.' Well to me it's not all right. 

I always wanted to be that grandma that would have a modest house that everyone could visit on holidays with enough room for kids and grandkids to sleep over. Like my parents did. Being able to have a kitchen to cook a full turkey dinner or holiday meal for everyone.

Instead, I barely have room to cook the food I need for two of us, can't host any parties and have 90% of my collected things and furniture in storage (and no we can't abandon it or sell anything). No room for doing the crafts I want to do other than knitting and even that is taking up a piece of real estate next to my bed and under my bed for what little I pulled from storage. Have had to cut out most of any entertainment or things we used to do because I don't have the money for gas to drive anywhere or even take the trolley. We've had to cut out some of the 'streaming' channels, no more Amazon Prime, AAA and AARP have been stopped, I still pay for Costco because that's the cheapest gas and we get a few things from there like paper goods and maybe some food items. The burden of paying things is not entirely on me. Jon contributes half the rent and an extra 100 for storage or paying on something. His check is 100 more than mine and he has fewer bills than me so he's not just sitting back and letting me do all the work. He is fully aware of how short we are on money and also wishes we had a place of our own but he also says 'I'm thankful for what we have.' Which I can hear the unspoken tone saying 'but I wish we had more room'.

We have the broken mental attitude of 'if by some miracle' or 'if we win the lottery' neither are going to ever happen and it keeps us in a mental loop that we will be rescued. I realized that we are going to have to rescue our selves and that's difficult to bring up with Jon. It means sacrificing some things that we've collected to sell and save that money. I told him when we were moving stuff in storage I would never tell him his stuff was worthless and to get rid of it. I know it's worth something emotionally to him. His emotional stability and health is just as crucial as his physical well being.

I am thankful very much so that myself and the kids did not have any major health issues. I am blessed that we survived and only one ended up in jail but not from anything that was on my end. I am thankful that I do have a roof over my head, what food we have is edible and myself and Jon are still relatively healthy compared to other seniors our age. Our complex in the past four months have lost as many residents at least three have died and I think one other had to go into hospice care. I am oh so very thankful for not needing major medical help but also know that there may come a time when it is needed. I am waiting on word back from Sharp Health about my status of having them for Medicare. Since I sent that in on Friday on the website, it's still pending of course. Jon is waiting for the same on his.

So despite my 'oh poor me' attitude I can say there are a good many things that I have and am thankful for. Family and friends who have helped me that a good many older people do not have. I see what happens to their 'worldly goods' when there is no family to take care of it. It gets put out in the community patio for the rest of us to pick over. Much like in Christmas Carol when the Future ghost shows him what will happen and the old lady wanted the bed drapes and they haggled over the candlesticks and how much they could sell them for. 

 Oh yeah, and the car registration notice came in the mail, $168 that I have to have by Jan 22. Can't say 'oh I'll just save out $20 out of the next paycheck' would be the usual mental response. I don't have a weekly paycheck I have a monthly and in order to 'save' for that I would need 84 out of December and 84 out of January to pay that. Which  I don't have because that's how much I need to throw at SDGE to keep me off their radar. At least I don't need a smog check.

So for this Christmas, yes I could use a lot of things that would make me and Jon happy.  New game systems for him or craft/garden things for me. But peace of mind even for a month or two of not worrying about my car or paying bills would go a long way. Gift cards for groceries or clothing would do a world of good. So yes I have a Christmas list but it is short and filled with needful things not luxuries.

We have food, electricity, a roof over our heads and money enough to stay that way for surviving. There is surviving and there is thriving. Surviving is when you have what you need and that is all. Thriving is having what you need and extra to do the things that feed your soul.