Good news at least

 I know this is rare to have more than one post in a week but news and events are like that. I'm feeling better today, I think I had a minor breakdown yesterday after trying to keep things bottled up. With the good news today I'm doing much better. Still tired though but I got word back from the doctor:  

"Your afirma testing of the thyroid nodule that was biopsied returned benign, which means low risk of cancer. The endocrinologist recommends repeat ultrasound in 1 year for surveillance. Please make a note to yourself that you will be due for repeat ultrasound in 1 year."

So that's good at least and good news/bad news: I paid SDGE, which was only $85 but that puts me about $30 short for my phone bill. I'm looking at the paypal money and seeing how much I can shift over for gas and the shortage for the phone and still have something for Disneyland trip.

Better shot of the fall colors tree. The sky was slightly lighter up at the top in reality but still made for a great contrast shot. 

I just filled out the form online for the jury summons, don't have to worry about that until December 5. Will have to put a reminder on my calendar for that and keep the postcard on my desk as a constant visual reminder.

Mentally still a little fragile whenever I hear anyone of the 'fence neighbors' holler and whoop about something. Can't trust anyone in my complex anymore so it feels like we're isolated in a red corner of the county. Even in the state for that matter. It's still very depressing and am trying not to look at facebook too much because of different articles popping up.

It's not that the mentality for me is 'dangit our side lost'. it's a matter of 'the world is so screwed right now and it feels like so few of us realize that'. All the warning signs were there, for everyone to see, it felt like there were people who saw it and yet something happened. I believe deep down that some cheating happened somehow. It wasn't exactly a landslide but all the places that shouldn't have turned did.

I'm going to try and not let that get to me and start planning my day at Disneyland, immerse myself in a place that is a (hopefully) untouched world to evade the real world for a while. I asked Jon when did we want to get up there and gave him the two options. 1: We wake around 4 or 5 and leave by 6 to get up there close to opening around 8, or wake around 6, leave around 8 and get there by 10. I'm shooting for somewhere in between considering I forgot about morning freeway traffic. Maybe if I pump him up a bit the day before he'll wake up super early like last time and we can stop at Starbucks on the way for breakfast (about $25 if I remember correctly for two drinks and two sandwiches round that up to $30 just because).

Tickets and parking are paid for and need to remember to get that loaded on my phone or printed out before we go. Bring my backpack I bought last time, load up with water bottles maybe get some snacks but don't know what since Jon isn't a snack kind of guy. Will see what happens.

Positive thoughts only.

A rare depression day

Was having a great lunch today, made chicken strips and sat down with Jon to eat and watch a cooking show and suddenly I just got really depressed. I can't post anything online not even in discord about why since it's political and no one listens to my advice when it's sound logic.

I feel like a really close friend just died and I can't talk to anyone about it because they wouldn't understand. I'm going to Disneyland for a day in 9 days and that won't even cheer me up because I'm worried about my car driving that distance and Rocky being alone, two more bills to pay and again don't know how much my SDGE bill will be until tomorrow...I think I have enough to cover that and my phone bill and then I'm broke again.

One of the things I was looking forward to next year if Harris had won is the possibility of actually buying a house finally but that's shot down now. So many things are going to go wrong in the next four years and I want to try and do something about it but don't know what and couldn't make a difference anyway.

I try and be inspirational in the only way I know and get shot down for trying in some places. I might have to just stay off facebook for the next four years. I've already left a relatively useless group for Costco shopping because most of the time it was 'oh look at this really expensive item at this store' or 'anyone see this thing that's in one of the European stores?' Just thought at the time I joined it would be useful for seeing what's in stores but have been disillusioned like everything else.

I'm tired of trying to cook in a closet, tired of not being able to go out and have fun, go on walks, see some museums. You know, things that retired people usually do. Can't do anything but sit at home, look at my practically dying garden, look at yarn I can't use, projects unfinished and basically my life in general being sucky. I found out one of my Second Life friends is waiting for bypass surgery which is scary and he's in England so can't do much but try and keep up positive thoughts.

As Jon says though, we have a roof over our head and food in the fridge. But that may change in two or three years as well because there's an idiot that was put in charge again and everyone he's putting in place are against everything this country needs and should be doing. I'm seeing the death of our country falling apart and not a damn thing I can do about it.

My knee feels better on the plus side. I've been wearing the brace every day, taking it off at night and it's made a difference. Here I was hoping to get more exercise and prep for walking all over Disneyland and get laid up.  9 days is not enough time to do enough exercise to toughen my feet and tone my legs. Will try and do some walking tomorrow but take it easy so I don't stress the tendons too much. Still haven't heard from my doctor and that's another shoe ready to drop as well. 

Then there's the jury summons I got on Saturday. So need to fill that form out online and then call the Thursday immediately before the reporting date which is December 6 which is a Friday. Luckily it's for the local courthouse and not the main downtown one. IF I'm told to report.

So lots of things in a wait and see situation which I hate. 

Which could be a big part of my problem today. A lot of unknowns and fear of what might happen.

No news from the doctor

 We have not had the news on at all since the election for very good reasons. We are avoiding throwing up or throwing something at the tv whenver the new Traitor in Chief is on screen. We know what's coming and we need to keep a level head. We're both a bit depressed but life goes on and we have to manage. I got two nights of decent sleep recently, if I can sleep more than two hours at a stretch I'm doing fantastic. I got two four hour stretches night before last and got four and three hours last night. I'm almost feeling human again.

Oh and I finally figured out how to get parallel/in line photos again. Have to change the 'order of operations' from the way I did before. For now this image is my profile picture on facebook, for reasons.

My knee is not as bad as it was a week ago but am still needing the brace so I don't bend it as much. It is still not happy about the world and I don't know how to fix that other than not walking on it at all. Which is impossible.  And on top of all that, I just got a jury summons in the mail for next month, good news is, It's for the local courthouse in our area not the main one downtown. I am going to hold off filling out the online form until I hear from the doctor because that may impact my life and activities. With my luck, probably not but it's one of those things that you hope it does and it doesn't.

Oh, we managed to get shoes for both of us and new pants. I found a pair of slip ons in neutral colors rather than white sneakers.

I misremembered the size shoe I wear and got 10 1/2  but after wearing them for two days even wearing thin socks I recognized the toe pain from my big toe being jammed into the shoe. We still had the receipt thankfully and exchanged mine for 11's. Mens. I am wearing size 11 mens shoes, women's shoes have been out of my range and style for years.

So we are set logistically for Disneyland in 12 days. Barring anything else happening (see previous note about the doctor).  Other than needing an oil change again for the car, oh yes and a registration reminder from the DMV because that's due Jan 22. 

I am still ticked off at SDGE about the way they show how much I owe. The official bill says I don't owe anything and yet it shows current charges and the $32 payment. Which is the numbers from last month. It's due in three days so I can't do anything about paying it until then.

Meanwhile.... the allergies are toned down thankfully. Day and night still clear and thin air with winds gusty during the day. I have had the extra blanket on my side of the bed for a week because it gets down to the 40's at night now. 

Another thing, the bathroom door knob busted four days ago. We thought Rocky had just locked it by accident and then when Jon took it apart to open the door there was a little tension spring in one of the knobs that just fell out. Busted from 30+ years of use obviously. So we contacted the manager and I explained what happened that we needed a new doorknob but Jon had the tools so just leave it by the door. Well 'Mike' just left the mechanism, can't remember what it's called but just the lock portion. I had to text the manager and tell her no, we need the entire new door knob set. He finally came and replaced it in like ten minutes tops but of course, Jon was in the shower at the time so he came out and it got done.

One of the reasons why I mention it is related to the current political situation. As I mentioned before most of the complex, including the owner is Republican and that includes Mike. So when he only left the one part my initial thought was, 'typical R type, is asked to fix something and leaves the barest minimum of what is needed thinking that will work'. When the Tangerine Traitor was asked directly if he had a plan for replacing the current 'Obamacare' plan he said he has a 'concept of a plan'. In other words, nothing. He's going to leave that up to someone else to figure out, sign his name and claim credit. Oh and supposedly the person he's putting in charge of that sort of thing is a crackpot politician that is anti-vax and medicine science denier. 

We are so doomed.

And the news is not good...

 First, the major news history has been made in the wrong direction. Everyone of sound mind and logical thinking are reeling, crying, afraid for their lives and lives of their families and friends. It was a devastating thing to see so much red, like blood spreading across the map of our country in an unthinkable situation.

It almost feels like the people in my neighborhood and elsewhere seems to think that this was some sort of popularity contest. A reality sow that they'll get to choose the next contestant or the same one in another four years. It isn't.

It isn't going to be just four years, if the  Orange Menace has his way, he will make it so he will always be in charge and if he can't, others will take his place including his children. We are in a very dire situation as a country and the world. Ripples in a pond, reaching out and bouncing off the farthest shores to return and create more havoc and chaos.

This is the dystopia we all feared would happen and tried desperately to warn people, but they didn't listen. We are now in a death spiral and by we, meaning the world. As policies are made and pacts are made with other despotic governments we will be living in fear for many years to come and it makes me cry.

There is nowhere that will be safe. I found out that in my own complex alone, if you aren't Republican and Christian/JW or otherwise you aren't any good. Which we kind of figured out before so needless to say we won't be attending any Thanksgiving pot luck they might be planning.

Now in my own personal circle, I got word back from the doctor, not personally but message through the health app:

"Thyroid biopsy shows mildly abnormal findings, further testing is pending. Endocrinology e-consult placed for further recommendations. "

That's all I know. I don't know how much 'mildly abnormal' is and further testing is likely on the samples taken not for taking more samples. So will have to wait likely another week if there's more testing involved. Oh and I do owe $20 for the biopsy procedure.

Annnd on top of all that it is allergy season for me. Santa Ana winds kicked up overnight and it's full blown dry wind from the desert right now. Nose and eyes are alternately weeping and stuffy and itchy. I am resisting using antihistamines primarily because it took almost six months for my eyes to stop watering from the drying out last time. 

So I am going to look for the helpers, see if we can start forming resistance groups and helping groups somehow but being in a pocket of Red right now it's difficult.

Still no word....

 Anxiously waiting not only for contact from my doctor but for the results of the election. I have chewed or peeled all my nails down in my nervous situation. The weather has cooled considerably, which makes it wonderful for walking except.... my right knee blew out.

I have no idea what I did other than possibly was tweaking it when doing my arm 'weight' lifting at night. I tended to lock my knees and I think that did it in. It started two weeks ago and then this last Friday/Saturday it was horrendously swollen and could hardly bend it. I did the whole ice and elevate and stayed off it as much as possible. It was a bit better Sunday and Monday and I bought a knee brace for it which is helping. It needs to be much much better in 15 days to survive walking around Disneyland.

The picture is from a week ago, after it had rained so a lovely partly cloudy day with the sun glancing off the clouds.

I have been doing some cooking, we still had a few meats left over from the previous month which makes the budget stretch a bit more. Still need to go pick up a few things but at least I still have food money left instead of blowing it completely in one shot. Chicken thighs were still .99/lb so that helped immensely. Soda's were off sale unfortunately but found them at a reasonable price somewhere else.

Baked bbq chicken with pan fried herb potatoes. It was delicious as usual. The other picture is pork roast I think cooked in the crock pot with Mexican seasoning and Rotel over white rice. I never think these are incredibly fantastic recipes since most of the time I'm doing it off the top of my head with a recipe only for guidance. Jon raves about most of it, anything that he doesn't get seconds or says it's tasty I know was not good. These two were at the end of last month before we got food money so serviceable and tasty meals.

Oh yes and I baked more cookies last night, we had chicken fingers day before yesterday so food is being had and oh yes a pot of chili that is lasting me a while. I still have hot dogs so I took about a cup of the chili with beans, put it in the blender for a bit and voila! Hot dog chili!

I got 'meat chunks for stew' at the store so I'm tossing that in the crock pot tomorrow with whatever I can think of to toss in with them. I am not a fan of standard stew with carrots onions and potatoes. Will figure out what to do that will be tasty over rice most likely. Maybe just season it and do bbq beef, or beef taco style. Lots of options. 

Oh and got new shoes and pants. This was an accidental photo from the garden and oddly enough it's a picture of my new shoes. They're a bit stiff but they're slip ons! No laces to tie, which is a bonus since my last pair the laces were extra long and annoying. Can't wait for them to stretch out a bit as they're slightly snug with thin socks on. Jon got new shoes and pants also so we're set for clothing for now but I still need new bras and some thin socks that are higher than my ankles.

Going to take a short walk today and not invite any disaster with the knee but need to try and keep moving.

Okay, so that wasn't so bad as things go

 Got there fifteen minutes earlier than the early time they had listed. It's the same facility that I had been to many times before my breast surgery. It's where the mammogram was done and the CT scan was done so I knew the layout at least. Parking was relatively simple and didn't cost anything, which is one of the reasons that determined where I would go. Never did to to the pharmacy for the mucus thinner. Oh and I had a really bad bout of vertigo Saturday night after trying to lay back on the bed flat. Bad enough it was making me feel nauseous and off kilter all day Sunday. Less so now to negligible and I think it's my cataract causing it now.

Weather started changing last night and weather app says might get some rain tonight. It was drizzly enough this morning that it made my car look terrible. So cloudy and cool thankfully for the next few days.

Meanwhile, back to what I did today. They ushered me in right away, asked if I wanted a warm blanket while I waited for maybe a minute after getting the gown on. Another minute or two and they were ready for me. No vertigo when I laid down thankfully, I told the nurse about it and she said they would make sure not to do anything that would cause that.

A shot of lidocaine in the area and I think a second one. Then what I thought was more lidocaine but the needle was wiggling, four times of that and then .... something about getting the right labels for the samples, and then a bandaid on my neck and they were done. Luckily my post nasal drip is mostly dried up because I have been drinking more water and less soda the past few days. Didn't have to swallow or cough the entire procedure. I do wish they would have announced they were done a little more emphatically. The doctor left the room and the nurse said 'I'll leave the curtain open because the room is really small if you want to get your other shirt on. 

What? Took me a moment to realize they were done already. I looked at her 'oh you're done?' she said yeah it only took like five minutes'. Well then. 

Got my shirt on, she double checked my information told me not to strain my neck too much for the next twenty four hours and might not hear back from my doctor until next Monday. Thanked her and she ushered me out and we went home.

Almost surreal experience. BTW I hate lidocaine injections. they are never comfortable. I had to think about why it would take so long for the results and then realized, they take the samples and have to culture them and examine for any sign of growth and then pass that on to the doctor.

Alrighty then. 

In other news, I made the equivalent of breaded chicken parmesan but chicken fingers. 

Made marinara for dipping and garlic parmesan spaghetti. It was fantastic! I'm all out of bread crumbs now though and low on several other things. I think I will attempt real chicken parmesan next month, but only if I can find a meat mallet to pound the chicken thin enough.

I really love being able to grab stuff out of the cupboard and fridge and whip up a meal. I can only imagine what it would be like to have more room to do things like baking and this where I have counter space galore. A hotel room with a kitchenette has more counter space than I do.

Anyway...

Kind of tired, fixing some beef chuck in the dutch oven, have no idea what to call it but it involved broth, spices and a can of petite diced tomatoes and will be poured over rice.

Another update when I have news.

 

 

The anxiety is building

 I decided to find out what exactly might happen and tried to look up what to expect with the biopsy and what exactly the procedure was like. Less than helpful and more worrying.

Here's a picture of Rocky laying on Jon's jeans while he's in the shower. He does this every time and it's absolutely adorable. 

Anyway, the only description was what they actually do, not whether there is any local anaesthetic involved or anything else. I know what a biopsy is, I didn't get any explanation other than that. So, the worrying thing is, if I had waited any longer it would be an automatic, go to surgery, do not pass go, thyroid is typically removed with lymph nodes around it if the nodule is 3 cm or bigger. So, hence the doctor needing a biopsy to determine whether it's benign or not. Typically after removal there's a very, very low (aka: zero) chance of anything like chemo or radiation.

Typically once they remove the thyroid and lymph nodes in the area you are on hormone replacement forever. That's essentially Amber right now, she had hyperthyroid 'Grave's Disease' (thyroid was enlarged) and it wasn't responding to medication so they irradiated her and killed her thyroid to get her system back in balance so she's on thyroid meds every day. Simple pill actually but it's another thing I need to look into to see how much (if any) it will cost me for that. I'm pretty sure it would be negligible, Tier 1 generic is $2 and Tier 2 is $8. There's also the chance of getting Medicaid to cover that so ::deep breath::.

It's the 'Outpatient' biopsy that I'm concerned about the cost. Less than useful information in my packet from Sharp. It may be 0-$100, it's technically not surgery that I could tell, it might fall under diagnostic services which is 15% coinsurance. It's in the ultrasound department so it could be as high as $75. I just had an ultrasound appointment and there's nothing showing up in billing for that. I had to pay $10 for the bone density scan but zero for the mammography

So yeah, biggest concerns right now is the cost of having all this done and what happens afterward. If they have to do surgery, in hospital stay is $225 /day up to 7 days, after that it's zero.  From what I've read, it's typically an outpatient situation that takes no more than a few hours. It's still surgery. 

BUT  This is all my going down the rabbit hole of worst case scenario because we know what happened last time. I like to know what's going to happen and what it entails to get mentally prepared for that.

 My prep right now is making sure my post nasal drip is minimal by Monday. Going to the pharmacy tomorrow (Sunday) and get some mucus medicine, will gargle with salt water the night before and the morning off, and hope for the best. Willing my body to stop with the serious stuff right now.