I was hoping for a mellow slid into the downhill slide of fifty. Circumstances and, I guess, age have something to do with it. I've bounced back before in bad situations, but it's the day to day grind of not holding my end of the financial bargain that bugs me.
I am realizing that maybe I wasn't cut out to be financially secure. I've always gone through life just lah de da... barely paying attention to the moment. I think it's the by product of a carefree childhood and possibly things being handed to me, or done for me.
I don't like it but I don't know how to fix it. Maybe I'm not supposed to...but that doesn't sound right.
I'm in a serious funk today. I had to go in to work late which cut into my paycheck, the rent is three days overdue and all I can afford is the actual rent right now. Would life on the road be any better?
It certainly wouldn't be a worry free lifestyle unless I took that attitude now. How can I be unconcerned about my situation when it doesn't look like it's going to get any better. I have to come up with money for car insurance as well or the registration is going to be revoked.
There's too much to do in my life and not enough time or money to get it all done.
I was asked one time if I could consider myself 'disabled'. Hell no! The point was, if I was, then I could get money from the government to help pay bills. That's not the way I was raised.
At this point, I don't know how I was raised. Certainly not with a sense of responsibility and a better attention span.
What's more important? Remembering long summer nights playing hide and seek or learning to keep track of money? I guess it depends on who you are. Both would have been preferable but I was never good with numbers as some of you know.
(speaking of that, if you know of anyone else that might be interested in my ramblings, please feel free to forward the emails on to them. )
I would rather be outside and puttering in the garden than doing dishes or laundry. Maybe I was a rich snob in a previous life and this is the payment for it. Someone who always had enough money but squandered it anyway.
In the evolution of characters an interesting quote comes to mind.
"...I had no power and all the choices I could ever want. Now I have all the power I could ever want and no choices at all. No choice at all."
Another one is, "My shoes are too tight, but it doesn't matter because I've forgotten how to dance."
Those point out to opportunities lost on the way to being repsonsible I suppose. People that are too busy paying attention to 'important' things that they forget to have fun along the way.
For me, I've had the fun and didn't pay enough attention to the important things that might have saved me grief now.
I think I'm going to have to go read the Wayne Dyer book again. 'Believing is Seeing'. I've lost a lot of that insight that I picked up twenty years ago. I think it's time to get reacquainted with it.
Basically, do what you love or love what you do. In any case, the money will follow if you need it. If you have an open and positive attitude in the world, good things will come your way. I used to hold that in my heart a lot closer than I do now. I don't feel very enlightened and in fact feel like I've been pulled down into the mud pit with the swine.
If I really believe in what I want to do for next year and this year, then I need to have a more open and forgiving attitude about my life in order for the karma to start shifting the other direction.
It just feels like there's a wall inside my mind keeping me from opening up to the 'good vibes' around me. Maybe that's just hunger or exhaustion..hormonal imbalance....
I don't know...if anyone has any input on this, let me know... please.
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